Spendthrift

spend·thrift  (spndthrft)

n.       One who spends money recklessly or wastefully.

adj.    Wasteful or extravagant: spendthrift bureaucrats.

Do you have a good or bad relationship with money?  I have a bad one.  I used to love to spend it, but now I pretty much just hate everything about it.  I've seen it ruin too many people, too many families.  Almost every fight I can think of between my parents had to do with how money was spent.  One parent was a financial whiz the other not so much, and the combination was explosive.  Actually, for a long time, it was the only thing I fought about with my parents and I remember vowing that I would never... fill in the blank.  Hell, now look, I think it might be the only thing my husband and I ever fight about.  And with David and I, at least at this point, its not so much that we fight about it, but it tends to be at the forefront of every conversation we have.

It's not that I don't understand the concept of being financially viable.  I get it.  It's been pounded into my head my entire life.  So much so that in many respects, its paralyzed me when I've tried to move forward in my life.  What I mean is I was never making the kind of money I "should be," so I started looking for the first thing I could find that would make me more money so I could get to where I "should be" and then go back to what I wanted to do.  This of course took me further and further away from what I'd originally set out to do.  And because I kept getting further and further from what I was interested in doing, I suddenly found myself completely unsure of what it was I was originally trying to accomplish in the first place... with no place to move forward to and no place to go back to... I became stuck.  It's like quicksand... the more you struggle to get out of it, the worse it gets!

Plus, where money is concerned, having Ulcerative Colitis doesn't help.  Doctor's bills and medicines and nutritional supplements are all expensive.  The money adds up fast.  And try as I might, I can never quite get a handle on what is "okay" to spend money on and what isn't.  And just when I think I've got it figured out... I've gone and done something stupid all over again.  IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!

At this point, the very thought of money makes me sick to my stomach-- unless its the thought of winning the lottery so I can be financially free, AND help my family and friends get there as well.  That's a thought that I think about at least 1000 times a day.  God that would be nice!

I used to stress shop.  It started when I lived in New York.  I'd go into all these great shops and try on a bunch of pretty things to take my mind off what ever was bothering me.  I wouldn't necessarily buy anything (okay sometimes I would), but I mostly loved going into stores to experience all the newness and look at myself from a different perspective.  I miss that.  

Now the idea of going into a store, any store-- not to mention a mall makes me have to run to the bathroom.  Seriously, I hardly remember the last time I was able to get out of the grocery store without having to go to the can at least once.  Yes, again, I do have UC, but my doctors tell me they think that is more of a mind-body connection than a UC symptom... Stress creates symptoms.  So I pretty much try to do my shopping online these days.

David and I are trying to find our way to better financial freedom.  It's not easy.  I found this website I want to try out called www.Emeals.com.  Has anyone tried it?  It helps you manage your food budget by creating menus for you based on grocery store sale items near you.  It looks pretty impressive.  I've also found that I do better if I turn over my credit/debit cards to my husband and only use cash... so Bon voyage Mastercard and Visa... it was nice knowing you!  And I also have to focus really hard on setting up office meetings rather than coffees or lunches... those add up faster than medical bills and I am the worst offender.  

More than anything I want to achieve our dreams and goals of having a family and traveling abroad and building our dream home and... the list goes on.  I know we can achieve those goals... it's just going to take a lot of intense determination and focus to do it.  Wish us luck!  Oh, and if you have any budgeting tips I'm all ears!